The 19 year old Newlywed

Nineteen. That’s how old I was when we married. Most thought we were too young and that we should wait. I even had one woman tell me that I should seriously reconsider because you can’t just “live on love.” Despite all of the doubts from others, who had already set us up for failure simply because of the number of our years, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this young man was the one I was meant to be with until the end. And on this day, 12 years later, I can still say the same thing with confidence.

When I look at the girl in this picture, I see she who was full of life and one who had an inextinguishable passion for her marriage. I honestly went into marriage thinking I knew everything, because, duh, I had read all of the books, knew my husbands love language, his personality type, and obviously had soooooo much experience in this area. I hope you can sense my sarcasm here.

For the first six years of our marriage, I truly considered myself somewhat of a marriage expert, and thought I was killing it on the wife role. I know this sounds so prideful, and it was. I look back now and am so ashamed of the judgement I would pass on others who were struggling with their marriage. I would think, if she would just not talk to him like that, or be so hard to please, or use more words of encouragement with her husband, then they would be much happier. It’s hard to be honest, but this is the girl I was for the first six years of our marriage.

Little did I know that in the following years of our marriage, I would be getting a taste of my own bitter medicine. Suddenly our marriage which had been scarcely tested, became a battleground. The answers I thought I once had became unexpectedly elusive, and I quickly learned that I was wrong.

For the books I read never talked about how to be encouraging to your husband after you’ve spent all hours of the night up with your newborn baby and feel like you’re doing it all. They never discussed what it looks like to still support your husband when he’s working 14 hours a day and you feel completely alone. They didn’t warn that there would come a time in your marriage when you would cry out to God in the night telling Him over and over again that you were done.

However, when I look back on these moments I can see that Jesus was the steadfast One who kept our marriage from falling apart completely. Although at times it felt like we were one fight away from destruction, He was there. He was fighting for us in the midst of our fights. God was not done with our marriage no matter how many times I thought I was.

By God’s grace I can confidently, and oh so thankfully, say that those days of darkness are behind us. And while we still have our fair share of bickering, I know with all my heart that we are stronger than we have ever been. Over the last three years we’ve survived a home remodel, moving, drastic job changes, farm challenges, pursuing a small business, and a great loss. Through it all my husband has been a rock, because he leans on The One True Rock.

There is a song by One Republic, and in it there is a line that says, for all of the plans we’ve made, there isn’t a flag I’d wave. This pretty much sums it up perfectly for me. For the plans that we’ve made in the past- for the current plan we’re living in that was not our own- for all of the future plans we are making: I will refuse to retreat. The white flag of surrender will not be waved. Not today. Not ever.

Abide in Him Always,

Ashley