I thought I had this Figured Out

Have you been there before, friends? That place where you’re surrounded by the wreckage and the only thing you have left in your hands are the broken pieces of what you thought was going to be a joyous and exciting future? I understand. I’ve been there too. In fact, I’m sitting in the middle of the debris right now, daily sorting through the pain and brokenness. You see, I had planned something out for our family that made such perfect sense in its timing for our life. I had waited for what felt to be a really long time and when it finally happened I was beyond thankful and very pleased that all was going according to my plan.

Then, early one December morning, it all came crashing down and the future I had pictured for our family faded away almost as quickly as it was given. The pain of our tragedy is overwhelming and the grieving process has been emotionally and physically exhausting. Most days I feel drained and disoriented; like I’m moving in slow motion while the rest of the world goes whizzing by and everything inside of me wants to scream, “Can everyone please slow down? I’m trying so hard to keep up but I’m being tossed and blown around so, that my knees are weak and I can’t run at pace right now.”

The days have been difficult, but do you know what I’m learning? I’m learning that’s it’s okay to allow myself to soak in my grief on my worst days and to bask in the joy on my brighter days. I’m learning I don’t have the strength to fight this, which means I’m leaning into the strength of our Savior in a way I never have before. I’m learning I have absolutely nothing figured out, nor do I possess the power to have any sort of control over my life and our family. And the most beautiful and ironic thing of all-I’ve never been more confident in Our Heavenly Father and in trusting His good and perfect plan for my life. I can finally take a deep breath and exhale all of my fear, pain, and striving and rest in the truth that I can cling tightly to the Faithful One in my affliction and trust in He who knows and plans every single detail of my life.

And He knows every detail of your life too, wounded one. Will you choose to believe with me today that our most unbearable sadness is simply preparing for us an inexpressible joy and gladness that has yet to be revealed? And the final portrait is going to take our breath away. We no longer have to exhaust ourselves with trying to illustrate what we believed was the perfect picture for our life and can instead trust that God is creating for us such a beautiful masterpiece that it will make our original sketch appear as mere scribbles on a page. Hand the brush back over to Him and take comfort today in the Master Artist.

Abide in Him Always,

Ashley